My Bloody Valentine (2D)
I watched the new My Bloody Valentine this week.
Well, correction–I watched most of it. I got hella bored about an hour into it and then fast forwarded to the last 15 minutes. So it’s possible that something REALLY interesting happened during that half hour or so that I just couldn’t bear to watch. I kind of doubt it. To be fair, Netflix didn’t send me the 3D version, so I’m sure if I had been one of these people:
I would have been more into the film. Literally! (sigh) But instead, I felt more like one of these people:
The movie stars Jensen Ackles, aka Dean Winchester, aka Jason Teague. Further aka Eric Roman Brady, from that one angsty summer in high school when I grew weary of life outside my front door and stayed home every day to watch Days of Our Lives and eat cereal in my pajamas. And now you know the long, awkward history of my crush on Jensen Ackles! Which drew to an equally awkward close Tuesday evening when I watched My Bloody Valentine.
As I have demonstrated on this blog in the past, I’m not afraid to watch a movie starring an actor from any number of the CW television shows I sheepishly frequent, no matter how dire that movie may be. But while I pleasantly tolerated Jensen’s Winchester brother J-Pad in Friday the 13th and Jensen’s ex-Smallville-girlfriend Kristen Kreuk in Legend of Chun-Li, those two movies were FUNNY. I mean, they were terrible, but terrible in that amazing way. This movie was terrible in the boring way, which is just about the only unforgivable crime a horror movie can commit for me. Seriously, when was the last time I turned off a horror movie before finishing it? It’s been a loooooong time, folks. (Wait, I remember, it was The Hills Have Eyes remake. Atrocious.)
Anyhoo! The plot! She sucks! Ackles is Tom Hanniger, who’s sort of like a less awesome Tommy Boy when he causes a cave-in at his father’s mines by virtue of being a fuckwit.
Confused, darling? The gas is the right pedal.
The accident traps 5 men inside (but not Tom!). When rescuers finally reach the miners, they discover that Harry Warden has killed the other four men with a pick-axe, presumably to preserve air. Warden’s in a coma for a year, then wakes up on Valentine’s Day to embark on a bloody rampage in the hospital. At the same time, Tom, his girlfriend Sarah (Jaime King), their jerk friend Axel (that gay kid from Dawson’s Creek) and his hussy girlfriend Irene (Betsy Rue) are irreverently partying at the mining site where Tom indirectly caused the death of four men. Classy! Harry Warden continues his rampaging at the mining shaft where the little shits are gleefully debauching, and a bunch of them get PICK-AXED!, but not the four principles of course. Tom gets stabbed through the shoulder, and the sheriff shows up and shoots Warden, allegedly to death.
TEN YEARS LATER DUN DUN DUN!
Tom comes back into town after a decade, having skipped his father’s funeral and is only now arriving to sell the mines he’s inherited, thus unemploying half of the town. Because we want a protagonist we can really root for, right guys? Axel (Kerr Smith) has dumped Irene and married Sarah, and he’s taken over his dad’s job as town douchebag sheriff. Also he’s cheating on Sarah with the type of adulterous teenager who thinks it’s good news that she’s pregnant.
And blah de blah, it’s Valentine’s Day and HARRY WARDEN’S BACK, okay? Ready to PICK-AXE! his way through three dimensions so the filmmakers can make the most of that shiny new technology flying at your skull.
Good LORD this movie’s boring! SO TEDIOUS. In one scene, (spoiler alert! of a totally irrelevant death!) Warden actually PICK-AXES! a midget through her twee hat and pins her to a lighting fixture, thus eviscerating and electrocuting her while a fully naked Irene cowers under the bed, after having run amok in stripper heels carrying a gun, displaying all of her full-frontal glory to the audience for a full 10 minutes. AND IT’S STILL BORING, okay? I know you’re all “WHAT?! I have to rent this movie immediately!” and I say have at it, friend. Just don’t say I didn’t warn you. Now, I’m sure if I’d seen the brave Betsy Rue’s less-than-spectacular breasts flopping in my face in three dimensions, I might have been slightly more riveted, but the point still remains—this scene should not have been boring.
So yeah, that’s about it. According to Wikipedia it seems as if the enthralling plot’s fairly similar to the 1981 movie upon which this film is based, so remind me to skip that baby too, okay?
This is officially my shortest review ever!
I’m FIIIINALLY watching Drag Me to Hell tomorrow night, so check out my review on Monday!
I’ll also be doing a write-up of The Hangover for 29-95, so keep your eyes peeled for that one next week too, okay?