Sorority Row

Ahh, Sorority Row. You were both awesomer and less awesome than the movie I thought I was going to see.

Granted, the film I thought I was going to see was a cheap, cheesy, hilariously bad slasher flick. And wow, Sorority Row was that. But frankly, I expected more nudity out of a rated R horror movie set in a sorority house! Am I wrong to expect that? Don’t pretend you’re too classy for that, movie! Own your sleaze! Like Lost Boys 2: The Tribeas a timely for instance. That’s why that particular gem got a C+ to your slipshod C, Sorority Row.

The film opens with a raging party at the Theta Pi house. The camera zooms in on a pillow fight between busty beauties jumping up and down in skimpy pajamas, feathers flying while one girl’s PJ trap door is fully open to expose her bare ass. Oooookay. That’s kind of awesome. Oh and! It also starts right off the bat with Andie (Briana Evigan), from Step Up 2: The Streetsdancing! That made me really happy! Evigan’s character had a different name in the movie, but she will forever be Andie to me. Even though it’s kind of confusing as her boyfriend in Sorority Row, played by Julian Morris, happened to actually be named Andy.

Anyway! Sorority Row proves at once that it thinks of itself as a Serious Film. As Jerry pointed out, the director had the balls-out audacity to shoot in 235:1, Lawrence of Arabia-style. Yep! The director Stewart Hendler (whose previous credits consist of a bunch of short films, not that there’s anything wrong with that), also uses hilariously long tracking shots to really give the audience a feel for the debauchery. This is cinéma vérité at its finest, people!

Wait, is that The Hills star Audrina Patridge I spy on the bed? And Rumer Willis in the smart girl glasses? Dang, Sorority Row, you’re really bringing out the big guns with your casting! Quality thespians, all. (I am absolutely not mocking  Andie, however, whose rock-hard dancer body is the true star of this film. I can’t wait for Sorority Row 2: Andie’s Abs Fight Back!) Let’s give the rest of these lovely ladies names, shall we?

Evil Mastermind.

Screamer.

This party chick’s name is already perfect, so we’ll go with it: Chugs.

Evil Mastermind lives up to her handle by organizing a ridiculously elaborate prank on Chugs’ little brother, Junior Chugs, which ends with the “accidental” (??) death of The Hills star Audrina Patridge by tire-iron! After she only marble-mouthed her way through four lines! SO DISAPPOINTING.

We’ll miss you, Ceiling Eyes! (I’d apologize for spoiling you, but the trailer gives absolutely every part of this movie away, and if you haven’t seen the trailer but have seen ANY OTHER MOVIE EVER, you would totally call the entire plot, anyway.) So after the LONGEST POST-ACCIDENTAL DEATH CONFERENCE EVER,  these paragons of virtue dump their sister down a mining shaft, with only Step Up 2 Andie being the hot, well-toned voice of reason.

Oh and Rumer Willis, who boasts an inordinate amount of screen time in this movie, fake-cries her little heart out, determined to be known as more than Bruce the Lesser:

 Cut to graduation, 8 months later!

The Theta Pi sisters throw another rager, this time with bubbles!

Screamer, we know where this is going. To a shot of your naked back, because this movie is classy! And we also know the other place this movie is going, because we’ve seen some movies before! The ladies start getting text messages and video of That Fateful Night That Ceiling Eyes Died.

They blame Chugs Junior, but it’s probably not him. Chugs deals by sleeping with her psychiatrist to get some good drugs. Chugs is HILARIOUS. “Ugh, Dr. So&So is really making me work for the meds this time. I’ll be awhile.”

Anyway, people start dying, with some seriously decent kills involving, guess what, a tire iron! Tricked out to be EXTRA MURDEROUS.

Oh yeah, and there’s a cloak! Obviously.

But you know what you may not have expected? The absolutely insane, manic editing, straight out of your next Acamedy Award-nominated war film. Everything is shaky and intense! Even when the ladies are just standing around, talking, it’s like they’re in The Shit. Also surprising: the fact that they manage to do a coed shower scene, in a sorority house, in a rated R horror movie, with NO NUDITY. So classy, up in here! And speaking of classing up the joint: why hello, CARRIE FISHER!

Carrie Fisher, don’t you know better? NEVER go with a slasher to a second location!

Essentially, this movie worked for me in the limited capacity its resources allow. We laughed our way through it, applauded some highly creative and gross death scenes, and really dug all the “bish, plz” lines from Evil Mastermind.

Andie was super hot and likable, Rumer Willis TRIED SO HARD, YOU GUYS, and also there was some of this:

I really couldn’t ask for more. Well, except for actual nudity. But they had lots of slow-walking, Reservoir Dogs-style! And that, my friends, is truly hilarious.

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9 Responses to “Sorority Row”

  1. Why are they laying all over one another in the poster? Is it a pile of bodies?

    I need to see this movie. Right now.

  2. who is the killer?? who is it??
    is that not a part of your review? :) tell me in secret because i’m still too much of a weenie to see it for myself.

  3. This movie had both some awesome parts and some absolutely horrible parts. I don’t regret watching it but I definitely can’t recommend it to anyone. It was definitely a disapointment in the bewbs aspect. I don’t think it’s too much to ask and society has set up that movies like this will delivery on the ladies. Am I allowed to sue for personal damages?

    Jen, I won’t tell you exactly who the killer is but I will say that they pull a total Scream 2 ending, if you know what I mean.

  4. Wait, isn’t that the plot of I know what you did last summer?

  5. i can’t believe i’m about to say this but… i kind of want to see this movie. even though i’ll still have to close my eyes during all of the G to the ROSS parts. but andie!!!! I HEART YOU AND YR SWEET ABS!!!! plus i do love me a good bish plz evil mastermind.

    thank you, marla, for braving the audrina and the lack of nudity in this film in order to deliver this review.

  6. […] always a little weird writing reviews on my personal blog, because I’m well aware of significantly more talented people out there who talk about exactly the kind of movies I like to watch. But here goes […]

  7. leftyjonno Says:

    I haven’t seen this yet, but as I was looking through your pictures that asian chick kept looking more familiar to me… and then it hit me…

    SHE WAS ON THE REAL WORLD SAN DIEGO! The one with Frankie, who was afraid of really large objects and it just so happened that they had to work on cruise ships or something and she was unable to do it and would fall down and cry on the dock… and then it was the asian girl who found out that Frankie was a cutter! A CUTTER!

    it’s nice to see that the asian has a blossoming career ahead of her.

  8. Wow, so that is officially THREE “actors” who started out as reality “stars.” Sorority Row, you have reached new depths of atrocious casting.

  9. its andy the killer by the way

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