Piranha 3D

mail

You may think this grade is a wild overestimation. After all, in earning an A+ on this blog, Piranha 3D is in the company of such gruesome cinematic feats as Candyman and Hellraiser. But for what it is—an uproarious, 88 minute schlockfest drenched in gore and teeming with glorious, fully dimensional nudity—Piranha 3D is FLAWLESS!

piranha

Holy shit, you guys! I LOVE THIS MOVIE SO CRAZY MUCH! After reading several fantastic reviews and hearing some bordering-on-sacrilege praise from my friends, my expectations were outrageously high. Mr. Marla kept warning me: “Don’t build it up too much!” but I couldn’t help myself. I built that shit HIGH, my friends. ALL THE WAY UP. And I STILL wasn’t prepared for the utter transcendence that was this movie.

Whyfor, you ask? Well, Imma tell you. First, the 3D is spectacular. Underwater 3D done right looks really, seriously good. Even if nothing at all occurred onscreen (which was never the case, as those 88 minutes were jam-packed with awesomeness and I was gutted when it was over so soon), I’d be glued to the striking visuals. This movie made the most of the technology.

yikes

And in what way does one make the most of 3 dimensions? WITH BOOBS, of course! Boobs upon boobs upon boobs! Naked boobs, bikinied boobs, wet t-shirt boobs, dancing boobs, parasailing boobs, motorboatin’ boobs. Yes, porn star Riley Steele stopped by just to demonstrate that she is one motorboatin’ sonofabitch.

hilarious

Well, not JUST for that reason. She and motorboatee Kelly Brook (known to some as Boobs McChesty from Smallville S1) also participated in a plot-critical underwater twisty naked lesbian mermaid opera sequence. So there’s that.

The movie isn’t just about gratuitous nudity, though, no sir! Gratuitous CARNAGE is the real reason we’re here, and Piranha pulls no punches. The gore! Oh, the magnificent gore! I don’t think I ever truly knew the definition of the phrase “feeding frenzy” until seen through the eyes of director Alexandre Aja. All the drunk, wild, scantily clad SPRING BREEEEEAK!!!ers make sublime fodder for the chompy little monsters, and rest assured, shit devolves with a quickness.

chaos

Most significantly, the gore is creative. Ladies cleaved in two, fellas deprived of their penises, bottom halves vanishing into the bloody water while the top halves trail and dangle mid-air—it’s glorious, I tell you!

However, given that anyone can do boobs and grue, the true genius of Piranha lies in its humor. Screenwriters Pete Goldfinger and Josh Stolberg (who together also wrote the previously reviewed and far less naked Sorority Row) keep setting ’em up, and the performers keep knocking ’em down. I expected to sardonically half-chuckle my way through a few well-timed meta lines. I was not prepared to fully belly-laugh throughout the entire film. This movie is HILARIOUS! Piranha boasts more self-aware camp than any other movie I’ve seen. It knows what it is and it OWNS IT. And not one member of the ridiculously pedigreed cast joined this movie without a similar level of self-awareness. Ving Rhames going postal on some piranhas!

serious sheriff bidness

Elisabeth Shue as a tough-as-nails sheriff who will STOP AT NOTHING to save her children from peril! Adam Scott rushing to her aid with a shotgun on a jet ski!

adam and elizabeth

Christopher Lloyd pulls out all the stops as, well, Doc Brown At The Beach, and Jerry O’Connell wins my heart forever as the coked out cheeseball caricature of Joe Francis, who earnestly whispers his tragic (spoiler alert!) last words: “wet….t….shirt.”

jerry o'connell

We’ve also got the standard attractive, vanilla Cee-Dub actors Steven R. McQueen (The Vampire Diaries) and Jessica Szohr (Gossip Girl) as the main characters about whom you care nothing, but as this is a true ensemble cast, trust that the far superior veterans get plenty of screentime. When the two teens start mooning at each other too long, the Girls Gone Wild-esque cameraman (Paul Scheer!) snaps: “We’re shootin’ a porno, not a drama here!” This line represents the central motif of the movie. Know what you’re in for, don’t expect more than low-rent schlock, and Piranha 3D will absolutely not disappoint.

party gurls 2

Advertisements

6 Responses to “Piranha 3D”

  1. BEST MOVIE EVER!! Marla, your review succinctly captured everything I loved about this movie. As much as I love horror films, I’m also terrified of them – the well done films will give me nightmares for weeks. Which is why I love standard gore/genre films, because A) not scary after the movie ends and B) blood. Lots of blood. Combine that with boobs IN THREE DIMENSIONS, and you have the greatest 3D film ever made!

    Great scott!

  2. i can’t imagine this movie making me laugh as much as yr MOTHERCUSSING HILARIOUS REVIEW!!!!! the description of the plethora of different types of boobs was THE MOST WIN EVER.

  3. Uncle Mustache Says:

    OMG, I love this film. To have a genre film that knows exactly what it is and does it right is rare these days. I wanted to watch it again as soon as the movie was over. It was just so fun to watch. How could they pull this film off so well? How did they get the tone of it just right?

    And don’t get me started on Jerry O’Connell. He was a-maze-ing. And I’m glad you mentioned his (spoiler alert) ….last line. That was possibly my favorite part in a film since Hell Boy 2’s “I’m not a baby, I’m a tumor” bit.

  4. I was on the fence before, but everyone in my MFA program is singing its praises. Still wasn’t sure. Your review has sealed the deal. IT MUST HAPPEN!!

  5. Sally, YOU WON’T REGRET IT!!!

  6. I totally LOVED this movie so much. Now that I have discovered I enjoy these types of films…I can enjoy reading your reviews even more. It was spot on! I loved everything about the movie..and you pointed them all out. ESPECIALLY his last line..oh man I lost it when he said that. Great Review of Great movie!!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: